2004-01-24 - 9:44 a.m.
i am up on sat morning at 9 am. up against my gut you might say.
i slept for four hours after work and 7 hours last night. it is freezing in NY.I am sick from the kiddies blowing in my face. i see so many throats and sniffling noses a day i was bound to get sick. and i am. a kid straight up almost vomited on my shoes the other day. i went to look at his throat and i think i made him keep it open too long.
cuz wham bham yellow mess on the floor.
anyway, three weeks into Peds. alot of stuff going on. i love it. i love the kids and since the docs are bored by the flu season stuff i get to see everything. i picked up a heart irregularity the other day. not to brag but god damn i'm good. ears of a cardiologist. i think i could hear the history of entire peoples through my stethescope:)
i lost my first patient a couple weeks ago. JH. I went back to visit him after the holidays. I took care of him for a month. tried to take him mentally away from that bland god forsaken white wall hospital room at metropolitan. taking blood for a month, careful not to prick myself. he had AIDS and a esophageal tear that was bleeding endlessly. a lot of things come up in a month. i asked him if he was scared to die. he said no. i asked him what he dreamed of at night. he said greenry of mexico. he couldn't eat food by mouth, only through a tube. i brought him soccer articles. i went back to see him and his room was empty. he bled to death the end of december. he died in his early 40's. it was pretty much a nonevent in the hospital since it was expected. but for me, i dont know. i got to get used to it. his days were so mundane with endless feeling of helplessness and then the only event that shook it up, could shake it up was death. so death was a relief. i think i believe that he's everywhere now. but i dont know. been reading AM I A HINDU so that is coloring... giving concepts and words to gut feelings. maybe he's playing soccer in the big blue sky.
