2003-11-20 - 11:01 p.m.
and my whole body is exhausted. i can say i am slightly drained. 13-14 hour days catch up to you. been going on 4 hours of dreams and trying to study in between.
just read stephs journal- damn she fires at guys. straight up. www.butterflyeffect.org too tired to remember or try to link that. check it out. its from today.
and i dont know how uncommitted i am as a man but the life sustaining force in my life is the women of my family. period. and some of the women in my life.
i used to have a hommie around the way that was more or less there through thick and thin. i spent every weekend over at his house or with him at my house between 1-16. we played long games of basketball one on one up to 100 count by ones win by two. he had a sand area in his backyard that he liked to play in but i didnt much. i ate all the food in his cabinet. went to the movies and stayed all day. snuck in lunch and candy.
he was a stick and didnt eat that much. i ate snack after snack and had a little belly. he stayed up late and i could never keep my eyes open to watch late night movies. we set up these little forts for sleepovers in the common room. we never slept where we were supposed to. always on couches and always talking late into the night. we were tighter than shit. wake up talking and laughing and my sisters would be mad. when his sister was sick and sicker, he stayed at our house for weeks on end.
we went to the water park, magic mountain- tried to talk to girls or something short of make a move on them. nearly always failed. we were 12 or 13.
i truly adored this kid and still do
but somewhere we slipped and i just called him up after months. he has been down for a while and i have known it. and i have not called. but i did. right now and it is hard to get to the meat of his or my life. i break my stuff down and he resists.
and my communication is not much better than with my patient who is dying of AIDS. and this will be his last admission. and i am trying to get him to talk about his dreams of Mexico and of playing football in the grass in the mexican sun. i ask him nearly every day. while taking his blood or checking his lungs. and he still hasnt really opened up much. and there is an urgency to cheer him up.
and i am not succeeding.
anyway, on communication. and men. like beto says, it is hard to be human in this world. peel your skin off for others to see. especially as a man.
sri
