2003-11-08 - 1:53 a.m.
i am at that stage in medicine where everything affects me still. i had to walk out of a room after an interview with a patient and before a physical exam because i was about to tear up. i told him i got to get a eye instrument so i would be back.
my admit patient has AIDS and is bleeding from the esophagus due to AIDS related infection. and when i examined him a part of me did not want to wear gloves as to not create a distance and to maybe make him feel more human. but there was some dried blood around his neck and... every surgery dept in the city said there is nothing to be done because he would die on the table and nobody wants to take that risk for career or financial or maybe even actual risk to the patient reasons. so the patient is essentially waiting to die.
and he knows it. and our talk takes place in spanish. and he said he is waiting to die. he is 40. and he said that death he could handle but the suffering was too much and the waiting. and he started tearing up. and i stayed for as long as i could before retreating for a minute.
i am following him now. and his prognosis is horrible.
all of this brings us some serious perspective in a hurry if you let it.
i want to know enough medicine to really say that nothing can be done. i dont know enough so i have to trust other authorities. who i dont really think i trust.
anyway, a chill night after an on call night and a weekend in NYC coming up. to study and rest. and swim inside within my skin.
sri
